I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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