No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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