Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
A bitchslap is in order.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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