a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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