his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
