Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
