u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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