If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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