i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Randomize
