Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
