I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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