I'm eating all of the evidence.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
