Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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