the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
