my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
