3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
