Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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