there's paper in my vomit.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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