I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
