She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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