My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
