So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
