Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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