she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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