I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
