I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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