after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
