i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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