I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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