The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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