and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
