They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
