You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
