I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
