I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
