I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
