I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
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You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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