Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
