Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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