I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
