Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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