i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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