gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
