the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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