Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
