They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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