I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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