Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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