went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
