I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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