Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Randomize
