He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
