im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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