I'm going to jail i love you
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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