the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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