dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
