So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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