Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
