i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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