I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
