I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
