but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
