i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
