i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
